go and catch a falling star
by waterlit
Summary: In life we leave many stones unturned and many paths untouched; so many things hide behind the facade of what-could-be and what-should-have-been. Yullen and Allen/Lenalee.


Title: go and catch a falling star

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Characters and pairings: Kanda/Allen, Allen/Lenalee. And Lavi - how can we forget him?

Summary: In life we leave many stones unturned and many paths untouched; so many things hide behind the facade of what-could-be and what-should-have-been.

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><p><strong>[go and catch a falling star]<strong>

**KandaAllenLenalee**

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><p>Footfalls echo in the memory<br>Down the passage which we did not take  
>Towards the door we never opened<br>Into the rose-garden.  
><strong>T. S. Eliot<strong>

:::

Allen leans against the doorframe and surveys his happy bride-to-be.

"You look beautiful," he says, noting the glossy sheen of her hair and the roses on her cheeks.

Lenalee nods, still smiling. "Do you like this dress?"

The dress is simple. The sweetheart neckline follows the curve of Lenalee's bust, and the skirt flares gently. The dress suits her. A pretty dress for a pretty bride.

"You look good in everything," Allen says. He reaches forward to adjust the angle of her veil.

"I think I'll take this dress." She glances in the mirror again.

Allen nods. "That's a good idea."

But it isn't, really. It's not a good idea. Never has been.

:::

"He would have hated all this, you know."

Allen turns to Lavi. "Yeah. He would."

"Do you think he'll come back?"

"Why would he?"

"He might," Lavi says, "when he hears of your impending nuptials."

"I don't think so," Allen says, and tacks on a lie for good effect. "Anyway, I'm not interested in him anymore."

"Lenalee's now the love of your life, huh, Moyashi-chan?"

Allen squirms inside at hearing that familiar nickname, but he schools his expression. "Of course."

"Right then," Lavi says, throwing a dazzling smile into the equation. "Then I'll see you Saturday at the wedding."

"Don't be late," Allen says, when all he really means is _why the bloody hell did you talk about _him _again?_

:::

"You ready, buddy?" Lavi asks.

Allen glances over at his best man. "Yeah. I am."

"You look great," Lavi says. "So stop dithering and get to the altar!"

"Do you have the ring?"

"Did you think I'd forget it?" Lavi asks reproachfully. "It's in my pocket, duh."

"Good,' Allen says. They're standing at the back of the room, and he turns to survey the guests.

Their friends have turned out in full force today. Reever, Johnny, Tapp and 65, all gathered around a sobbing Komui, fine-stemmed glasses in their hands. Meanwhile, Bak and Fou are having a fractious argument near the door leading to the washroom.

Over at the side Bookman is talking to Krory, and Miranda is smiling shyly at Daisya, who is poking fun at her and Marie.

Even Tiedoll is here… Allen winces slightly at the sight of him, and quickly turns back to Lavi.

"I saw that, y'know."

"You saw what?"

"I saw your face. Your expression."

"It was nothing," Allen says. "Are you ready? Have you the ring?"

"Yeah, I do. You've asked me that before, y'know. Before you ask me a third time, I really do have the ring," Lavi says, his green eye narrowed. "Are you sure about this?"

"I'm sure. Very sure."

But Allen's heart beats faster, and he can't help but twist his head to try to catch a glimpse of long dark hair bundled into a ponytail.

He doesn't see it.

:::

"I love you."

_He_ snorts. "You're an idiot."

"You just don't want to say that you love me!"

"I won't say it. So stop asking."

"Are you going to leave tonight?"

"No. I'll stay here. In case your nightmares come back." _He _snorts again.

"Thank you," Allen says, and for once in his life, he means it.

:::

They stand by the altar before the priest. Lenalee's face is flushed and her eyes are stars, and Allen thinks he's never seen anyone more beautiful. Except for _him_. _He_ was beautiful too…

Lavi nudges him gently from the side, taking care to do it on Allen's left side so nobody will be able to notice that the groom's not paying attention on the most important day of his life.

Allen looks up back to Lenalee's face and puts on his brightest smile. You idiot, he tells himself, today is your happiest day. Stop thinking back. Stop being ridiculous.

"And now I will join you in holy matrimony," the priest said.

Allen nods. He almost expects a man to come thundering down the aisle – a man with the river of night for hair, a man born to scorn, a man bred without fear.

No one stands among the audience.

"Now I pronounce you man and wife," the priest says, joining Allen and Lenalee's hands.

Allen manages a weak smile. Lenalee's palm is cold in his own.

:::

Lenalee doesn't know a thing. She doesn't suspect – she never did know.

_He_ came to Allen in his darkest hour, when Lenalee was strapped to a bed, her mind lost in fog. They were good friends before that, and in that abyss Allen found himself again.

He found Kanda; clutched at straws.

"What's wrong?" Kanda had asked, looking down from his vantage point. "What happened to her?"

"Car accident," Allen said. His left hand was still tightly clenched around hers. "She's in a coma now."

"Damn," Kanda said, and for once, Allen fully agreed with the man. "Where's the Usagi?"

"He came earlier," Allen said, eyes still on Lenalee's prone form.

"Bastard."

Allen looked up.

"Not the Usagi," Kanda said, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I meant the guy who knocked her down."

"I know."

"What are you going to do?"

"Do?"

"You heard me, Moyashi."

"I'll – what's there to do, Bakanda? I'll come here every single day and wait for Lenalee to awake."

Kanda nodded, and Allen saw something like approval in his dark eyes. "You do that."

After that, Kanda visited the hospital every other day, and soon, he started timing his visits so that they coincided with Allen's.

:::

It's night, and Lenalee leans over the balcony. "Allen!"

Allen steps out and moves toward his bride. "Yes?"

"Look at the stars, Allen. They're so bright tonight…"

Allen nods. He slides an arm around Lenalee's waist, and wonders if the stars are as bright and as beautiful in whichever place_ he_ is at now.

"I love you," Lenalee says, breaking the silence. She lays her head against Allen's arm, and he can feel the silky hair lying against the base of his neck.

Allen remembers another time, when another head of dark hair captivated him.

"I love you too," Allen says, and the not-quite lie tastes sour against his tongue.

:::

After two months, Allen felt something akin to despair. Lenalee showed no signs of regaining consciousness.

"Damn it, Moyashi," Kanda said, "Why are you behaving like this?"

"I –"

"Lena needs you to be strong," Lavi says.

It was Kanda who gave him the strength to be there for Lenalee, really. Without Kanda, he could never have made it through to the dawn.

:::

Lenalee deserves better, Allen thinks. It's morning, and he smiles at her across the breakfast table. His new bride munches happily on bits of toast and marmalade, now and again dipping her head to drink her coffee.

His breakfast has long since entered his stomach, and now he sips at his tea – Earl Grey, with lemon, thank you very much – and thinks back to a morning when he sat in a minimalist kitchen had took green tea with soba for his morning repast.

"A penny for your thoughts," Lenalee says.

"I was thinking about you and how lovely you look," Allen says.

The lies come much easier these days.

:::

"Whatever you're thinking about, stop," Kanda said.

"I beg your pardon?"

"I said to stop."

"Stop what?"

"Those thoughts of yours."

"Which thoughts are you referring to, Bakanda?"

"Don't even try to kill yourself, you moron. It's not worth it."

"You're giving me a pep talk!" Allen laughed. "Is that strange or what?"

"I'm serious." And it was true. Kanda's face was an ashen grey, his eyes dark and forbidding.

"You wouldn't know, would you?" Allen let out a stark laugh.

"I saw that entry you made. In your diary."

"You what?" Allen flew up, his fists clenched. "You had no right to pry, Bakanda. Don't you know how to respect another's privacy? What the shit made you do that?"

Kanda stared calmly at Allen. "Sit down, you idiot."

"No, you – why, you –"

Kanda returned the shove, and somehow, he landed on top of Allen.

That was how it began.

:::

"What's on your mind?" Lenalee asks. "You've been distracted all day…"

"Nothing," Allen says. He smiles at his wife. "I've just slightly preoccupied with work."

"Oh," she says.

It's six months into their marriage and yet Lenalee still cannot tell when Allen's lying. So unlike _him_, Allen thinks. _He_ could spot a lie from a mile away.

But today – today Allen cannot lie. At least, he can't lie to himself.

For today – today is the day _he_ disappeared. Today is the day Allen's heart melted into smoke for ever.

:::

Kanda pushed Allen against the wall, their lips melding together, their hips grinding sharply.

"You're hurting me," Allen said, when the kiss broke off. "There's something hard in your pocket…"

"Iphone," Kanda said, pulling the offending object out and tossing it onto the sofa.

Then their lips clashed again, like two seas fighting to fill an abyss.

That eternal moment came to an end when Allen's phone vibrated on the desk, the lilting melody echoing warily through the dark space. With a sigh, Allen untangled his limbs from Kanda's, stretching his arm to get the phone.

"Hello?" he said.

"Allen," the caller said. "I have good news!"

"Komui?" Allen said. He tensed and sat up, moving further from Kanda.

"It's Lenalee."

"What about her?" Allen asked, his heart lost somewhere in his throat.

Kanda inched closer, his naked torso gleaming in the moonlight. Allen stared at Kanda's chest, before turning to face the window.

"She – she's awake!" Komui said.

"Bloody hell!"

"What happened?" Kanda asked, his hair flowing down his back and his front.

Allen shook his head at Kanda. "Thanks for informing me, Komui. I'm… I'm so relieved…"

"Lenalee woke up," Kanda said. He raised an eyebrow.

"Yes," Allen said. He looked away from Kanda, unable to meet his gaze. "I should get to the hospital now."

That was how he left Kanda that night.

He walked to the front door, cast a backward glance, and left Kanda standing where he was, mostly naked and pain burning bright in his dark eyes.

:::

"Kanda's birthday is coming," Lenalee says, a wistful smile blooming on her face. "I miss him so much.

_As do I, _Allen thinks. He doesn't say that aloud, of course. "Hmmm."

"Don't 'hmmm' at me," Lenalee says. "Kanda was a nice guy. I mean, he's a nice guy. I just wonder where he is now…"

_As do I,_ Allen thought. _As do I, Lenalee, except you won't ever know it. I can't hurt you too_.

"I want to visit Tiedoll today," Lenalee says. "Can we?"

"Yes," Allen says, his hesitation hiding in the corner of his eyes and in the flaring of his nostrils. "We can. What time do you want to go?"

"As soon as possible. We can go to his favourite haunt after that… maybe he'll turn up!"

To be honest, that's really the last thing Allen wants. But he doesn't reject Lenalee's wishes. "Fine with me, Lenalee."

:::

"I do wish you'd tell me what's going on," Allen said.

"Nothing is going on," Lavi said. He nod at Allen and took a bite out of his ham sandwich. "Thanks for the treat, by the way, my good man!"

"Lavi… I'm being serious, okay?"

Lavi looked up. His green eye was clear, and his sandwich hung uneaten in his hands.

"Tell me why Kanda's ignoring me."

"He's leaving," Lavi said. He looked away, as if he found Allen's snow-white hair too blinding under the midday sun. "In fact, by this time, he should have left. Boarded the plane to wherever it is he's going."

"Pardon?"

"You heard me, Allen. Kanda's leaving. Left. Whichever."

"Why?" Allen said, aghast. His face turns a shade paler.

"You hurt him, so he left," Lavi said, shrugging. He brought his attention back to the sandwich. "This could do with a bit more mustard…"

"Lavi, look at me! Where did Kanda go to?"

"I have no idea, honest. He didn't think fit to tell me, did he? Just called me last night to say he was up and leaving so could I please return the keys to Tiedoll."

"You didn't think to inform me?" Allen's hands clenched around his plate, tension evident in the strength of his grip.

"Nope," Lavi said. "I asked him for explanations until he elaborated a bit to get me off his ass and so I know the story."

Lavi fixed Allen with a stare.

"I –"

"You don't have to explain anything to me," Lavi says. "You don't owe me nothing. But Kanda did say not to tell you anything."

"Bloody hell."

"Indeed," Lavi agreed. "If you're okay and all, why don't we order another round of sandwiches?"

"No."

"Lenalee's coming, so I thought we should get her some edibles."

"Pardon?" Allen said, his eyes wide open. "You didn't tell me that either!"

"I guess I forgot."

"You never forget –"

"Calm down, alright? She's your girlfriend, for heaven's sake, your dalliances notwithstanding. Why do you need to get so uptight?"

"Lavi…"

"I'll get the sandwiches."

:::

Kanda has never talked to him again after that night, Allen remembers. He rushed to the hospital after getting Komui's call, and then Kanda thought it better that they never speak again after that.

Bloody jerk.

With a sigh, Allen takes Lenalee's hand and walks down Tiedoll's front drive.

So Kanda is gone. It's not a big deal. Not at all. He still has Lenalee, and she's as close to being an angel as any women can be.

He just has to pretend a bit more, to flesh his love out. Maybe someday the shadow that Kanda drew over his heart will vanish, and he'll find it easier to truly find some space for his wife. Maybe.

They ring the doorbell, and Lenalee leans over to whisper that she finds the scent of the petunias rather intoxicating. Allen leans his head to the left, to whisper back that he agrees.

-finis-

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><p>AN: Hello (: School's been busy – but uni life is fun! Except the academic part, but can't be helped, that.

I've been itching to post something for a while – and wow this is my first Yullen fic where Allen is not in female form!

Right.

Hope you guys enjoyed this fic – and any comments are welcome! Thanks for reading (:


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